why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
You Might Also Like
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them