The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
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I hate when that happens.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, âNever.â
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly đđ
I Googled âBooks for women in their 30s.â One of the results said âBooks for women late in life.â Iâm in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like âbtw, this only pays 30k so if youâre looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhereâ so I said âok I willâ then he was like â?? wait noâ lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others werenât nearly as fortunate.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next timeâŚIâm gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolateâŚIn fact, thereâs never more chocolateâŚFor, her mother, eats it all.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.