The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
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Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces