@phxguy88

The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.

Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?

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@KalvinMacleod

As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.

@Parkerlawyer

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

@CCRuns

My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!

Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.

4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.

@JasonLastname

If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.

@VerbsRProudest

If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.

@EndhooS

Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg

@dogfather

*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*

@OGPoutyMcgee

Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.

Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.

Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…

Me: That’s all I got my man.

@StruggleDisplay

Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me