The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
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normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Your honor these allegations are
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.