THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
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Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.