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It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.