The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
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90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.