The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.

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If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency


At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration


Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37


My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye


FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same


What do we want?
When do we want them?


According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame


My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”



Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.