The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
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My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
you stereotypes are all alike
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
he looks great for his age
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*