Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.

VAMPIRE: ur making this weird

ME: my neck is ticklish!

TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.

under no circumstances will my brother take the L

A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.

Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra

You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.

My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

GMO bananas: turn brown for what?

Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …

A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha

when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator

Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!

~ me, pleading with my hair

[In football huddle]

“What do you guys think happens when we die?”

gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay

me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks

Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

[Terminator Academy]

Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.

Insecurminator: oh no!

If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.

I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.

[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”

[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]

Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster

DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*