The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
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(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe