The news: Let’s ask a random idiot on the street what they think.
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anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Accurate
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Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
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“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”![]()