The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
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to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
In case you needed to hear it:
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.