The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
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SF is the wild wild west man
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
thank god
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Meow
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.