The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
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therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”