[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
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Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.