The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
adam and eve had first world problems
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.