The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
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My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?