The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
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6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
The old gods are rising again.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
How funny!
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd