The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
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[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.