The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
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“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.