The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
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Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.