The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
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microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
<—- homeless romantic
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this