The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.

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Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.


My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”


Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.


Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.


“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light


I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.


I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.

~ Why I was kicked off the debate team