@MaidOfBeans
@butterwolf Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
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@butterwolf 
@HooeyDr My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
@YogiWanKenobi San Francisco has too many rules
@SaveItForFest Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
@Gowitty1 Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
@Darlainky Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
@Mandiatrandom1 “Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
@kentgrossarth I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
@clindsaysway Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
@jctwritesstuff I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team