@MaidOfBeans

The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.

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@butterwolf

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.

@HooeyDr

My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”

@Gowitty1

Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

@Darlainky

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.

@Mandiatrandom1

“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light

@kentgrossarth

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

@jctwritesstuff

I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.

~ Why I was kicked off the debate team