The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
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“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip