The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
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*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
The Friday File.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Phonetics
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch