The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
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Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
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The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
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I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Do you want to taunt a snowman?