The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.
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*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
rest in peas
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”