The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
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[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Um … Hot Wings please
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”