The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
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“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.