the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
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Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich