The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
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The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
😂🤣😂🤣
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!