The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
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I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
What do you hear?
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Discuss
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”