Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin

Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.

Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.

“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything

Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director

Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?

My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.

Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.

Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.

If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.

Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess

Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*

Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man

Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*

Me: touché

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.

Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin

[at funeral]

FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost

Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

😂😂

Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.

My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?

*Tries to start the wave at a funeral

Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?

Me: I thought it was a carnival