The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
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I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.