The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
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Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.