the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
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guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”