The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
You Might Also Like
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Always…
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*