The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.
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7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Very good! 👍😂
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis