The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
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*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
i actually laughed 😩
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
It’s actually Dr. whatever