The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
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My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start