@NeinQuarterly

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”

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@ilovepie84

I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.

@Kryzazy

Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient

@Book_Krazy

[At Mall]

Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!

Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS

Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*

@BGH70

There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.

@954LeenO

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

@robfee

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*

@aveuaskew

I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.

@AndrewChamings

If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.