The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
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priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.