The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
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When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen