The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
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[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
the official breakfast of 2021
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
You know…for fall…
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
I came this close!!!!
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
What personal space?
My dog
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.