[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
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Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?