The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
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Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
They got a point!