The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
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Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who