@DrClaireH
@joelu72 [being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
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@joelu72 
@Tmoney68 *phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
@slimmy_shady I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
@OwensDamien ‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
@mynameisntdave If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
@QwertyJones3 HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
@andamentalist If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
@sliver_of I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
@ClarkSpringheel *Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
@SirEviscerate Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.