The old gods are rising again.

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[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card


*phone rings*

Girlfriend: Hello.

Me: Hi, baby.

GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!

M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.

GF: No, you told me.


GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?

M: Are they available?


I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”


‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’


If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog


HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.

ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.


I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.


*Sad trombone noise*

Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”