The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip

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My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.


Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.


*Bites werewolf*

Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.

Werewolf: No!

Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.


[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]

“no actually”


Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!

Me: Why?

Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead


5yo: I want a snack.

M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.


M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.


Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?


My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute


My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”

You guys just tried it, didn’t you?


I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.