The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
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“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Friday
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.