The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
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[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
a god among men
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.