The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
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It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”