The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
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HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Two types of dogs.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string