The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
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it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me